Notes from a listener
I really wish I could remember in which order I listened to your audios, but I suppose I’m glad I started off with the basics, so to speak. I had no real expectations of them (no offence intended)…I was merely looking for another way to calm my thoughts having tried other relaxation and meditation CDs and grown weary of chirping birds and waterfalls. I thought your focus might at least hold my attention for awhile. Little did I know… 
I suppose I can’t completely ignore the impact of your voice itself. Not everyone could have narrated these experiences and pulled it off convincingly, and some people just shouldn’t read out loud period. It’s not quite the same situation as someone reading material that they haven’t written, either. Those voices tend to be more impersonal -
It was good to start off with the training audios, even if I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. I definitely needed some guidance in the relaxation department. I was certainly aroused during the first couple of “listens”, but I was also aware that some conscious thought remained, so things didn’t progress further for awhile. I knew I wasn’t relaxed enough, but I was also intrigued enough to keep at it. It didn’t take long for me to adapt, much to my surprise. It did amaze me when I realized I was perfectly capable of having an orgasm with my hands at my sides the whole time, and obviously with no one else in the room.
At this stage in the game, apart from one pulled muscle (I didn’t think my back could actually arch like that, thank you very much), all was quite enjoyable. The sensations were not always so well-
I think the turning point for me came after listening to “Civil War Experience”. The language was a little cruder, a little less fluffy, making it a little more realistic. That was the first time I was unable to keep my hands by my sides (large breasts, really sensitive nipples…you do the math…and that’s all that I added). It was also the first time I ever experienced squirting (and pleasantly, not the last). That was a shocker, as I didn’t think I was capable. I remember thinking afterward, “What the hell just happened?” in the figurative sense, of course, since the physical evidence was obvious. It was at this point I clued in to the benefit of putting down a towel first…have I thanked you yet for all the extra laundry you’ve brought into my life?
I’m not sure why the audios from that point on generated the much stronger reactions. Maybe I just prefer a little more of a plot line – who knows? I think the selection drawing the strongest response from me was “Return to My Special Place”. During any decent orgasm, it seems to me that the brain short circuits – no thoughts, no perception of time or place, no awareness of anything other than how good you’re feeling at that moment. Well at the end of that one, I think the four walls could have collapsed on me and I wouldn’t have noticed. Lying there with a ridiculously goofy grin on my face, breathing like I’d been on a badminton court for an hour and unsure if I could get up right away…all I could do was laugh (mostly in disbelief). There didn’t seem to be anything else I COULD do in those few seconds. I think I can safely say that my ability to get into a sufficiently relaxed state has grown exponentially since the beginning.
The distinction between the “romance” and “domination” themes in your work is obvious and I know where my preference lies…on the domination side. Romance has its place in the world and I’m certainly not against it by any means, but I really think there needs to be variety in one’s sex life. I don’t think I could stand it if it were all about this sappy fluff that Harlequin has made billions from! Voracious reader that I am, I don’t think I have EVER had any interest in picking up a romance novel. On the flip side, I don’t have any interest in D/s as an entire lifestyle either. What’s wrong with “a little from column A and a little from column B”?
I believe I mentioned that the physical sensations I experience are not always as clear as they could be. Sometimes they feel very real, but other times they’re more vague. I think it’s safe for me to say that they are much clearer when the domination themes are present. I’m not sure if that’s because I am more focused in those scenarios or if it’s something else. All I am sure of is that I’m certainly more into it – I definitely get a lot wetter and the resulting orgasms are much more intense. I’m also more likely to think afterward that I’ve just had a decent abdominal workout – move over, KettleWorx!
I’ve had a little experience with D/s in reality, though probably not as much as I mig
ht like. However, it’s enough that I can draw on it for a frame of reference while listening to the audios and it made me realize that injecting a little reality into the situation makes a difference. It’s one thing for you to be talking about binding someone’s wrists to a bed to a person who has never done that – they could use their imagination or extrapolate from something similar and still thoroughly enjoy it. Say the same thing to someone who has actually tugged on those bonds, instantly driving home the realization that things really ARE out of their control and what they experience from that point on is entirely up to someone else, and I guarantee you you’ll get a different reaction.
That was an example of bringing in reality as an enhancement. Reality can also rear its ugly head as well (although that probably sounds more negative than I intended). I have no issues with looking into a partner’s eyes in situations not involving D/s, or even when on the D side of the coin (it can be quite useful in that regard), but I have great difficulty meeting a partner’s gaze from the s side, finding it rather intense, and perhaps even a little embarrassing. It’s like a sudden freefall of a few hundred feet (I would assume – I’ve never bungee jumped or jumped out of a plane)…your heart comes up in your throat and you get the wind knocked out of you. Encountering that in a few of the more recent audios I’ve listened to…I can’t say it was unpleasant (more like unnerving, as it would be in real life), but looking back afterward, I do recall feeling a desire to shut my eyes tighter and tune that part out. It didn’t take away from the enjoyment of the experience though -
I’ve reluctantly admitted to myself that I am somewhat of a stereotype, but I guess stereotypes are what they are for a reason. Part of the appeal of the domination themes of your work is about the loss of control…or rather, willingly handing it over to someone else. When you’re used to being the one to hold things together or solve everyone’s problems or make everything work, sometimes you get tired of making the decisions or calling the shots or even just being the person that everyone seems to turn to. You just want someone else to take the reins for awhile so you don’t have to think, you don’t have to do – you just have to accept. It’s quite liberating, even though that seems to run contrary to the situation. Take that concept from your work life or your personal life, move it into your private life and it’s certainly more fun!
I’ve also observed a major contradiction in my perception of myself. Before I started (over) analyzing my thoughts on all this, I would have guessed that I had little preference for one side or the other in such a situation. While I think I could still take either side and make it work, I see the scales tipping perhaps a little more to the submissive side. I was giving some thought to a favorite fantasy that I would have sworn had me in the driver’s seat and was startled to realize that if I looked at the bigger picture, which I had never really done before now, that concept was more a subplot, if you will, and my partner was really the one pulling the strings.
Oh well…I’ve always known I could be a case study in contrasts.
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